A Hard Truth to Accept: I Am Being Used

As I dove into this whole spiritual awakening process (granted, at the time I started all this I wasn’t aware that that’s what it was called, spiritual awakening). I was still struggling with my relationship with religion. I was anti-anything religious and spiritual at that time. I didn’t want to know or understand anything with any of those words or words associated with it in the title. I was very angry at God, the Universe, life…everything. I questioned everything. I was struggling to understand my place in this world. I was trying to grasp how something so benevolent could be the creator of so much pain and suffering. I did everything pretty much by the book and was such a kind and empathetic person. I gave so much of myself to others. But, yet, I got shit in return. I ended up hurt or rejected or humiliated or abandoned. I would get to a place that was so high and going well, then BAM! I would get the rug pulled beneath my feet. I got to a point where I needed to let go of things I had been holding onto for too long. I realized that it was only weighing on me and it was only hurting myself. I was starting to see a pattern with people in my life. I reassessed all my relationships. The people that I spoke to…and didn’t speak to regularly. I came to the realization that not everyone was truly a friend or cared for me the way I did them. The relationships were unbalanced. There was a lot of give on my part and not enough give from others. Too much take on the other side. And, this was not only friends, it’s family members, too. Blood. That one was even harder to face. I was used more for what I gave them—my time, my energy, my money, my advice, my body. It was one of the hardest truths I had to confront about myself and my life.

I used to make excuses. We‘re so good at that, aren’t we? Making excuses to make sense of something. Or to make it fit what you want to believe is true because the truth is too painful to accept. When I first started seeing this pattern in my relationships, I was noticing who called me…or didn’t call me. I noticed the content in the phone calls. Did anyone ask about me? Were they interested in anything I had to say? Did they talk to me or ask me out somewhere because I was the one with money or the car? People divulged their problems onto me. I am an empath. I am a healer. Essentially, a human crystal. Haha I absorb the negative energy from others and transmute them into positive energy. People feel better after being around me or talking to me. I didn’t know this about myself then though. But, it all makes sense now of why I had so many drawn to me. Anyway, I knew I had to do something about my relationships. I wanted to test out the theory I was on. How many of these people will reach out to me if I stop initiating? I laid low. I started paying attention.

It was very painful to accept that I was used. I didn’t matter as much to people. Many of these people didn’t even notice I was M.I.A. (missing in action) or they only reached out when they needed something. I was going through so much emotionally as a teen and no one truly knew or cared enough to get to know me on that level. Very few people did. But, to be fair, I also didn't

trust easily (thank you inner child wounds!) and find it easy to open up about the dark truths about myself. No one wants to talk openly about their depression, dark thoughts. But, I also wasn't ready to face the darkness within either. Nowadays it's more appropriate, I guess, with so much focus on mental health and suicide. Anyway, I knew so many people, but not many really knew me. But, still, friendships work both ways. They should. Be conscious of how much you know about those you talk to regularly. Do you truly know them completely? Do they share their most intimate parts of them? Do they only share what they know you won't judge them on? Do you? Maybe starting a journal to sort out these thoughts may be helpful for you.

Acceptance. It's always such a difficult part of the process, isn't it? As I said before, we often make excuses for them or say it's ok when it's not. Our minds create a way to make their behavior acceptable or true. False narratives. We're good at that. To protect ourselves. Our hearts. It took me some time. Some tears. Some pain. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was getting hopeful for some relationships because they would suddenly seem to show more interest or care for me, but then it always ended the same. I had to learn the lesson. Once I accepted the fact that not everyone was my friend and that some used me, I started figuring out what the next phase was and how I could achieve this.

In order to learn the lesson and not repeat this vicious cycle, I had to break the pattern by doing something I hadn't done with them in the past -- cut them out completely or distance myself. Boundaries! Ah, that pesky little thing called boundaries. It's so hard when you're such a people pleaser. Afraid of what people will think or say. Afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. Afraid of not being able to be there and help them anymore. As I dove into my own shadow work in this spiritual awakening journey, I later learned the why I was a people pleaser and why I was attracted to these people. It will be the next step for you, too. A better understanding of yourself. When you're ready. It's not easy doing all this work. It's like opening Pandora's Box. But, I'll say, once you're past the dark emotional bits, it's for the best. It'll be so worth it. But, back to the boundaries...start small and work your way up.

Start by maybe stopping to initiate text or calls. Not answering every call from them. Calling them back in your own time. Not answering texts immediately or at all. Not apologizing for choosing to not answer or call. I always caught myself apologizing for things that weren't even my fault, "oh, that sucks, I'm sorry..." And, also saying "that's ok!" Stop doing that! Also, saying "no" more often is part of this boundaries part. I used to feel obligated to do things for people when asked. I didn't want to do some things either, but I would to make them happy. It would have been different if they also did things for me that they didn't want to do, but they wouldn't. It was always me who did! I started saying no.

It was odd at first. Something so foreign. I think in the beginning of starting this "no" business, I would cave in at times with some things. But, the lesson kept repeating until I followed through with the no. And, not feel guilty about it and change my mind. Eventually, I started to understand and followed through. It got easier the more I did it. I started to meet people that valued me. That were at my level. I moved away from those that didn't align with me anymore. That didn't get me or value me. It wasn't easy letting go. Intitially, I think I felt fear I wouldn't have friends left. That I wouldn't find friends to replace them. My self esteem was very very poor back then. And, I think it worsened a little after realizing I didn't have many true friends. But, once I met new people, it started to improve some. The fears decreased some.

As I said before, it'll feel very unnerving at first. Change is hard. Anything that disrupts our usual routine or surroundings is uncomfortable. But, you deserve better friends/lovers/family members around you. You are worthy of being loved and cared for, too. Relationships are not a one way street. Don't lose yourself in others. Find yourself and know what you want from others. What is it you need from them and are your needs being met? Be firm with boundaries. Stick by your decisions and convictions! Know your self worth. Have more confidence in yourself and who you are. Listen to your intuition when it comes to reading people and energies. Always follow that initial instinct/impression you get. Don't let others define you. You define you! You don't need anyone else's validation. I wish you the best and hope this helps you in your own journey. You were brought to this post for a reason. ❤️🙏🏼 😉