The Three Great Loves of Your Life

You know they say that we have three great loves in our lifetime? I ran across that somewhere one day. It said that we fall in love with three people at three different stages of our lives. Each love feels totally unique from the other and teaches us something different that shapes the person we are and are becoming. I truly believe we never should stop changing and growing. Even in marriage, I’m sure you aren’t the same person you were at the start of the marriage. Anyway, the first love is the fairytale love. Puppy love. The innocent love. It happens when we are young, usually teens. It’s the love that we base on what we see and know from the movies or books. It’s surface level. It’s the one that we want to show off to everyone. The second love is the intense love, the painful one, the hard one. The one that teaches us lessons about ourselves, about who we are and how often we want or need to be loved. It often involves lies, manipulation, pain. It may be the one where you often try to change the other or you find yourself conforming to fit the mold. And, the third love, the unconditional love. The one that lasts forever. The one that catches you off guard in the most amazing way. I ran across this topic a while ago and it made me reflect on my love life. Who would be my three? Well, I’ve had two and the third is coming. 😃❤️ I’ve dreamt it…a lot.

(Now, I’m not going to use their names to protect their privacy)

The first was my high school love. We weren’t ever a couple, but I sure loved him. I used to say it was just a crush, but no, I was more than crushing. For him to have hurt me the way he did, I cared a lot and he meant a lot more to me. The first true heartbreak I ever had. We were about 16 or 17 when we met. I was in my junior/3rd year of high school and he was a sophomore/2nd year. Our best friends were dating and we merged our friend group. Yeah, I thought he was cute and he was taller than me, which I loved. But, it was his sense of humor that drew me. He was funny. He was sarcastic, witty, and could be kind of an asshole at times. Never was to me. I totally dug it. He wasn’t afraid to call you out on something, but in a teasing way. As time went on, we exchanged numbers.

We started talking outside of school. Cell phones weren’t really a thing when I was in high school. We used pagers and land lines. Haha Please tell me people reading this know what a pager is? And, a land line? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? 😂 Well, we started talking more openly in our calls. We would open up about very private things we were dealing with. Family things. Our struggles with our parents and what not. I got to see a whole different guy on our calls than anybody else got to see. I loved it. We would share music. He let me borrow his Dude Ranch album by Blink-182 so Dammit, it always reminds me of him when I hear that album. See what I did there? Used their song Dammit...and this is why I’m still single. My little quirks. 😁 He lived across the street from the baseball field where my brother would play. So, a few times we hung out there. Then, one evening, we were hanging out watching my brother's game. We decided to go for a walk. We were talking, stopped and we kissed. I think I may have made the move. Whatever, it felt right. It was pretty magical. Not gonna lie. I felt a connection. I know he did, too. I know he liked me more than he lead on.

Next day, it was awkward at school. We didn’t know how to act around each other, but more so him. We were so immature. He started avoiding me. Eventually, he started hanging out with a new group. Blew off my calls. We never talked about it. It hurt. It hurt bad. I knew, though, that he was embarrassed of me. I wasn’t the “arm candy” he wanted. He was immature and superficial. I should have known better. I saw the real him and knew this wasn’t him. But, his ego was too big. I graduated the next year, I heard he was dating someone and was going off to the Navy. Heard he married that girl he dated His senior year in high school. I’m glad I graduated before him because my heart couldn’t take seeing him with her. I ran into him one time in our small town. He was working at this local restaurant and there he was. Talk about awkward. I could tell he wasn’t sure if he should say hi. I think he tried smiling at me and I did a half smile and kept walking. I was angry and hurt still, but I also wanted to act like he didn't phase me anymore.

Years went by, almost 10 years, I was living in a different U.S. state. MySpace was about to be phased out as Facebook was on the rise. I loved me some MySpace though. They let you add music to your profile! 😛 Anyway, one day I received a MySpace message notification. I open it. And, there he was. I got a message from him! I thought it was a mistake. I open the message. I read it. I wish I would have kept it before it got deleted. But, back then, I didn’t have a smartphone. 😂 I couldn’t screenshot. He wrote a beautiful apology. After all this time, he still thought of me. Of what happened. We weren’t friends on MySpace so he searched for me. We grew up in a small town and had a lot of mutual friends. You can find out anything really quickly by asking around. I never asked him how he ended up finding me though. I even had a different phone number than he probably had. I knew he had a heart and cared for me, too. His message stated that he was just back from a tour in Afghanistan and it gave him a lot of perspective being there. He wanted to make amends. I wrote him back and accepted his apology. I gave him my number and told him to call so we can catch up if he wanted to. I honestly didn't know if he would. I at least told him I forgave him and appreciated the apology. He called hours later. I saw an unknown number from Hawaii and as soon as I heard him ask for me, I knew it was him. We talked for hours that night. We were at a 8-9 hours difference. He was still in the Navy stationed in Hawaii. We text and talked weekly. He told me about his divorce that happened when he was away in Afghanistan. But, he also told me he had met someone that was a penpal his friend set him up with. He asked what I had been up to and asked my relationship status, of course. Well, still single dude. He would call for advice on his career moves. And, at times, I would think, "why are you asking me this stuff? Shouldn't you ask your girlfriend?" But, I loved talking to him. And, well, there's a lesson I had to learn. Self worth.

I never told him how I felt about him. Another lesson to learn. Communication and self expression ✅ That’s where maybe I was wrong...well, not maybe, I WAS wrong, but I also didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I was fine talking to him as we were. Again, self worth issues I had to deal with there. I got used to the friends with benefits type roll. No emotions. No expectations. But, I was lying to myself. I still had feelings there. I still had that hope that he would finally see me and what I offered him. But, nope. He tells me he got engaged months later. 💔 🔪 I acted cool, obviously, when he told me. He then called me when he saw (on FB) that I was visiting our hometown to meet up. He had been stationed 2 hours from there at that time. It just didn’t work out for us to meet up. He was busy planning and saving for a destination wedding and couldn’t come to me and I couldn’t drive to meet him. Initially, he said, "I would love to take you out to this nice restaurant here." Then, he says, "and you can meet (insert fiancé's name), too. I would love for you guys to meet." What?! 🔪 I don’t know what he ever told her about us. If she knew he talked to me. Was she ok with him having girls as friends? Wasn’t my place. 🤷‍♀️

He got married and we still spoke, but not as frequent. I started keeping up with him on FB. They got pregnant months later. I was happy for him and messaged him to congratulate him. I always wished him well. Still do. I want him happy no matter what. He stopped talking to me and I assumed she saw and questioned it all. He would call sometimes when he would get off shift around midnight his time and it would be morning here. He asked for advice all the time. Anyway, I messaged him asking if things were ok between us. If he wanted to distance himself because of his marriage, to just let me know. That I would back off. I gave him the opening to be honest. He never replied. A coward. Next thing I know he blocked me! I was ghosted again!!!! Just when I thought he changed. No! I was still not good enough. He worried too much about the opinions of others. Ego. Ego. Ego!

I learned to let him go. To accept he was married and we couldn’t have the friendship we had. I had to keep it moving forward. Suffer the loss again. He would cross my mind every now and then over the years. Wondering how he was doing. If he was ok. I wondered if he ever thought of me, too. I had dreams of him once in a while. Then, about 10 months ago or so, I started having dreams again of him. I thought it was strange because I honestly let him go. I had not thought of him in years. I was too busy grieving my second love of my life, which we'll get into next. So, in that dream 10ish months ago, it wasn't of him per se, it was his daughter I saw. She told me in a child's way of speaking that her mom was picking her up (she was at like a sitter's house) because her dad wasn't around. I asked where her dad was. She said, "I don't know, mommy doesn't talk about him anymore." I woke up thinking, "huh? are they divorced?" I kept thinking of him after that and saw all these signs around that reminded me of him. I decided to check FB. I was still blocked. His profile didn't show up, but I noticed this other profile of a guy with the same name. Something about the photo made me think it was a Navy medic symbol. I felt it was his profile but it was private with not much to show. A link that showed caught my attention. It was a photography page of a girl in the Navy that did photography on the side. I looked through her photos. And, voila! There he was. I didn't add him or message him. Weeks went by, maybe even months. Again, he came back into my mind. I had another dream of him, but this dream he was in it. I've been feeling he's going to reach out again. In this dream, he apologized and we hugged it out, I forgave him and told him I want to leave things where they are. I told him how he hurt me all those years. I told him I wanted him to find happiness and wished him nothing, but the best. I told him to open his eyes and see what's in front of him. I felt there was someone who liked him and that he was "hooking up" with and he's not seeing how she likes him more than friends. I don't know if this is a premonition of what's coming or what. But, wait there's more....

He recently unblocked me on FB and THAT I only found out because I had another dream about him coming back into my life again. I dreamt I heard a voice say he divorced. I suddenly saw a "You may know this person" notification for him on Instagram. I thought that's freakin crazy! Why am I getting this? I recognized the photo on the profile because it was the same one from his FB page -- the one he blocked me on. I went to search him on FB again and saw he unblocked me from that account. He hasn't posted anything from that page though. Everything is from years ago on that page. But, anyway, no word from him, yet. I will speak my mind this time as I’ve done a lot of healing and finding my own self worth and self expression. I am not that person I was when he knew me. If I get the chance to speak to him, ok. Not in hopes of having a relationship with him. More for the resolution and closure. I want to let him know how he made me feel. I will tell him my truth. But, if he doesn’t reach out again like my intuition has been telling me, that’s ok, too. Either way, I'm doing my thing. I'm good. Well, enough about the first love of my life, onto the next man that ruined me, the one that changed the course of my life.

About 7 years ago, I met what would become my second great love. The difficult one. The painful one. The one that will be scored on my heart forever. He was the one that somehow managed to pick that damn lock on my heart and made me feel things again. I fought it for months. I talked myself out of it and told myself we could be more of “friends with benefits.” I told myself I was just a “good time” as he was in a shitty situation. We met under the most awful circumstances to be honest. Very unexpected. He was a patient and I was his physical therapist assistant. I knew he would be trouble as Taylor Swift once said.

I remember hearing all the staff talking about this new, good looking, young patient. He was 39 and been in a motorcycle accident in a pursuit (yeah, he was a bad boy 😏). He had a traumatic brain injury from the accident. Presented similar to a stroke patient where he lost use of his whole left side of his body due to where the damage to the head was. He was constantly the topic of conversation around the facility (small 40 bed long term acute care hospital). They talked about how it was such a tragedy for such a good looking guy, blah blah blah. I would get asked if I went to see him. If I had seen the pictures his mom had dropped off of him. I said no. I honestly had no interest. One day I did go after being asked about the damn photos again. I wanted to

see what the heck everyone was talking about nonstop. I peek in and he was sleeping. I quietly walked in and went to the board where they were posted. He was cute…not my type, but cute. Model status. Later, I did find out he was offered a modeling gig that he turned down. SMH. Like, I said, not my type. He was too pretty. And, I assumed he was just another arrogant asshole. Yet, another lesson I had to learn. Self esteem. Oh, and the lesson of self sabotage. Anyway, I did feel the pity, such a travesty. He seemed like a man that was used to women throwing themselves at him. Vying for his attention. Tall, gorgeous man. 6' 5" Athletic. Very outdoorsy. And, there he lay unable to move on his own. Wasting away in a hospital bed. It was tragic. I hated the lack of care and rehab he received prior to coming to us. He shouldn't have gotten as bad as he was.

He came to us from another hospital about 6 months after his accident. We didn’t pick him up on our rehab caseload because he wasn’t responding or participating with the evaluation. He wouldn’t open his eyes or follow commands so we thought it may have been the brain damage. After some time, he started coming around. The occupational therapist working with him said he was participating and waking up more consistently and so the physical therapist ended up evaluating him again for our caseload. I remember walking into work one fall morning of 2014 and looked at the white board for my patient caseload that day. I start writing my patients down. The physical therapist says to me, "Jamie, I asked that you be assigned to this patient in room 109 because I feel you could really do well with him." Fuck. My. Life. So, after reading his chart and preparing for our session. I walk into the room and, in school, they told us to always introduce ourselves and explain what the session will entail and talk to the patient when you are performing exercises even when the patient is not awake or in a coma. So, I was talking to him and started moving his legs. He opened his eyes and turned and looked at me. I smile and reintroduce myself. He didn't respond. It took a few weeks before he actually started responding to me. He attempted to communicate. I learned to read his mouth and somehow I could read his mind and I didn't know how that was possible. He was the start of me discovering and heightening my psychic abilities and empath nature, gifts I didn’t know I had at that time.

I noticed he began flirting with me. I thought it was in my head. But, after some time, I played along. He was bedridden and needed to enjoy himself somehow. II told him one time that he was such a flirt and confident even in a hospital bed! He smiled. He was such a libra. I saw him flirt with others, too. I started noticing this man was not suffering from any brain damage. 😂 All his reactions were normal...even below the belt. 😂 I mean he was a man. People all thought he wasn't all there, but he sure was. He was just very selective of who he interacted with and trusted. He heard the whispers...or not so whispers...about him from staff. He knew what people said. They talked about him in from of him as if he wasn't there. That bothered me. Maybe I felt him get upset about it too now that I think of it. I started seeing a different man. He treated me kindly. I would ask if he needed me to fix his position or needed pain meds or needed his mouth cleaned out. He wasn't able to do all that. He lost his speech and swallowing skills. He was on a feeding tube for sustenance. I advocated for him every chance I could. I made sure he was cleaned when he needed it. There were days he had pasted, dried, poop on him as if he sat in it for days. It was unacceptable. I would hear nursing assistants tell me he would get angry at staff and throw things or attempt to pull hair or fling his poop at them with his right hand, his good side. He knew who treated him right. I don't blame him doing what he did, if that was the only way to make people attempt to hear him out or get any kind of care. Anyway, this topic gets me upset. I do not like seeing people being treated like that. I don't care who you are.

One day I was working with him. He suddenly mouths to me something. I was having.trouble reading his lips. I finally got it. He said, "I want to take you out." I laughed and said, "Get yourself better and we'll talk." I'm such an Aries. 😂 I also told him that I didn't think I would be his type if he saw me out at a bar or something. And, he turned and looked me in the eyes and shook his head and said, "that's not true." I said, "you really would have talked to me?" He said, "of course." I wasn't sure I could believe him. Again, lessons for me to learn—self esteem and self worth. Winning! Later, I did find his exes were nothing of what I imagined him being with. He was relentless. Persistent. Flirtatious. He became a good friend, a confidant. I would tell him things I wouldn't tell my best friend. I even cried a lot in front of him when I would open up about things of my past. I never cried in public up until then. Over the months, it developed and I fell in love.

I had a love for him that I couldn’t describe. It was scary. A little foolish. How could someone fall in love with someone without an actual date? How did this happen? It shattered every belief I had about what love was and how it should go. It definitely felt like it was something out of a book (Which if I had a book or movie to relate to, it would be Me Before You by Jojo Moyes, which later became a movie). Something I didn’t believe in. Not real life. It shattered everything I knew about love. About how it feels. About the chemistry. The ease. The comfort. The sense of protection. The feeling beautiful and sexy. I had felt things I never had with anyone. I started to believe in love. I started fantasizing a life with this person. Marriage and kids. What?! That wasn’t me! I couldn’t believe I was entertaining these thoughts. I prayed for him to get better and get out of that hospital! I started praying again after losing my spiritual side. I had given up on believing in anything. This person awoke me in ways I never expected. He made me question things. See things in a different perspective. He was so different from my “type.” Not that he was unattractive, far from it! That was part of the problem. I had such low self esteem. I felt not good enough. But, he started changing that in me. I started waking up my femininity more. Dressing up more. Wearing makeup. Exploring my self expression. My intuition was heightening. I was feeling great! Then, reality set in. He was getting sicker.

His condition was deteriorating and I couldn’t help anymore. A part of me knew he would never leave the hospital healthy again. But, I was in denial. I wasn’t ready to face it. I fought so hard to advocate for him and get him the care he needed. I researched everything I could in rehabilitating techniques and surgical options to help with his contracting muscles. But, I knew he was defeated and his body was tired and I had to accept this. I had to ask him if he was tired of fighting and wanted to give up. Man, that was brutal. It took so much courage to ask him that. Because i knew deep down what he would say. He had pulled his feeding tube and IVs out if his arms several times when he was fed up with his care and poor quality of life, that was an indication he didn't want to live like this. I would hear all this from nurses. So, after i ask, he turned to look me in the eyes, which he hadn’t done at that point for days, and he said very clearly, "yeeeessss." That moment shattered my heart. I felt the pain and sadness bubble up and about to pour out. I ran into the bathroom before any of my coworkers could walk in and see me. I broke down to cry. I had to contain my sobs. I never thought I would react like that. It hurt me to see him laying there and suffering. I could feel his depression and pain. I wish I could have taken it all away from him. I would have carried that so he didn’t have to. Have you ever loved someone that much? That wasn’t your family? I was not enough to keep him alive and THAT part killed me. This was a man who lived an adventurous and reckless life. Very active. After 2 years of being bedridden, it was enough.

I had to put my fantasies aside and give him the love and compassion he deserved. I knew that if I went and told the case managers about his wishes that they would get the ball rolling and would talk to his family about transitioning him to hospice. I struggled with approaching them, but I knew I had to for him. i had to put my selfish needs aside. I knew his mom was finally coming to see him because they told her he hadn’t been doing well. He was developing infections too much that his body became drug resistant to all antibiotics available. He was developing sepsis (infection that spreads into the bloodstream and starts affecting organs). I met his mom for the first time in the year he had been with us. It was awkward because he gave her the cold shoulder the whole time and he kept reaching and holding my hand. She only knew I was his therapist that everyone told her he responded to. I was the one they called when they needed to do something with him and would calm him down. Anyway, I told his mom he wasn’t doing well. I encouraged him to try to talk to his mom. But, he was angry at her. Understandably so. He expected her to visit him more than she had. He was there alone and I often wondered why? Did anyone love him? Why didn't anyone come by? I think that was another reason why I bonded with him.

After that meeting, I got news that his mom had finally made a decision to take him home with hospice. I was out of town when a coworker messaged me to tell me. I had so many emotions coursing through me. I had to keep it together as best I could. The person I was on vacation with when I found out was a coworker. She didn’t know the relationship I had with him. They all knew we were close and they probably saw the way we interacted at times. It was probably more noticeable than I think. Haha I found out as I was visiting his hometown. The place he was born and raised. He was so excited for me to go. I was hoping I wouldn’t be back too late and never get the chance to see him one last time. I kept asking my coworkers as I was away if he had left the hospital yet. The day I was leaving back home, I get a text from my coworker, “(insert name) just left the building.” The timing. I drove home 5 hours. I called his mom and she said I could come over. She text me her address. I drop my bags off at home and drive 45 min to her house. I looked hungover and like a hot mess, but I didn’t even care. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in. A bunch of emotions were running through my head. I was anxious.I didn't know what I should say. What's the etiquette when you're visiting someone on hospice? How do you prepare for such a thing?

It was a huge, beautiful home. Riverfront property. I am greeted by his mom and she shows me in

to where he is. Introduced me to her daughter and his ex wife. His bed was facing a massive wall of floor to ceiling windows overlooking the river.

These windows expanded the length of the whole second floor living and dining space. It was perfect. I could see why he loved it there so much. His ex tells me he just closed his eyes. I say “hey buddy.” He flutters his eyes open immediately and locks eyes with me. I said, “you thought you could get rid of me so quickly.” He smiled. He motioned his not-so-good hand to come closer and hold his hand. He squeezed it as tight as he could and pulled it close to his chest. Meanwhile the ex is to his other side 😂 He didn’t care. At one point, he winked at me. She says, “I saw that,” as she playfully slaps his shoulder. He then shrugged his shoulder and didn’t care. He stared at me as I started rambling on about my trip to his hometown. His ex chimes in and says to him, “I see why you like her.” I wasn’t sure what she was referring to, but I took it as a compliment. That's a compliment, right? We became FB friends, she and I months after he passed away. 🤷‍♀️

I sat with him after his ex left. His mom came and said good night and told me to make myself at home. She didn’t care if I stayed the night. I told her thank you and I would stay until he fell asleep.

He didn’t want to let my hand go. If I moved a millimeter, he gripped my hand tighter and pulled it to his side. At one point, his mom had called me to eat dinner and I had to tell him I was only going to go eat with his family and would be back. I said,"look, you can see me in the reflection of the windows. I'll be right over there at the table. I'm not leaving you without telling you. I promise." I could feel he was tired, but he was afraid to close his eyes. I kept reassuring him all night I wouldn’t leave. We didn’t know how much time we had left. Maybe he felt that would be the last day he could stay awake. It was as if he wanted to take it all in. That first day was his best lucid day. It was a Sunday. Every day that went by, he was less and less alert. I remember every detail of every day. I ended up calling off Monday and went to be with him. Tuesday through Friday, I was there every day after work, but even then I would rush through work and leave around lunch time. I was definitely looking like something out of the Walking Dead. I would leave his house about 11pm, drive 45 min home in which I cried and cursed the heavens in anger. I thought of him daily. I wondered when I would receive “the call.” Going to work was difficult. Everything there reminded me of him.

His sister and his mom were so gracious to let me be a part of this process. They knew how much he loved me. They saw it. We didn’t have to say it. On Wednesday, his sister asked me if I could sit with him while her and mom could go run some important errands. They didn't have to ask, of course I would. They didn't want him alone. When I arrived, I was coming up the stairs and quietly said hello. HIs sister was sitting at his bedside and said Hi. I saw her look down at him startled for a second when she said hi to me. She asked him if he heard it was me and was happy to hear me because she said he attempted to open his eyes and squeezed her hand at the moment. That warmed my heart. One of the hospice nurses came over to me and said, “hi, so you’re Jamie? I heard about you. You bring this calmness to him when you’re around.” This was heartwarming, too, coming from a total stranger. She said they pass on report nurse to nurse and I guess they write down who visits and how the patient reacts. I had never felt so comfortable around strangers as I had that week with his family. I stayed the night Friday. His sister and I sat with him and talked at his side. We were wishing he could sit up and tease us both. He no longer was able to open his eyes. His breathing rhythm was changing and it was getting harder to see him and hear him. If you ever watched someone in their last days, you know. Its called agonal breathing.

The next morning I awoke to watch the sunrise over the river. The view out of those windows was breathtaking. I went and sat next to him. I said, “Good morning, buddy. I don’t know if you’re listening, but I fell asleep on the couch here in the living room. Your sister wanted me to sleep on the bed with her, but I didn’t want to be far from you. I’m glad you can’t see me right now. I look awful first thing in the morning!” Which at that moment, I saw he tried to open his eyes. I saw his right eye slightly open and looking over at me to his right. I laughed and kinda cried. I apologized for my morning breath. I started to describe the sunrise to him. Sat there in awe. I had to leave due to prior engagements that I couldn’t put off. I wanted to cancel, but his sister encouraged me to go. That he would want me to go try to have fun. I sat next to him before leaving. I felt I needed to say my goodbyes to him. The whole week I didn’t feel that. That day, I knew I needed to say it. I let him know I was leaving. Told him what I had to go do. I told him I would try to be back later tonight if it wasn’t too late. I told him what he meant to me and how he changed my life. Thanked him for his love, kindness and care. I told him he held the record for Best Kiss by far. Haha I asked him to “haunt me in my dreams and watch over me. I love you forever and always.” I kissed his forehead. And, caressed his face, soaking him in one last time. It was one of the hardest goodbyes of my life. The pain was unbearable and nearly killed me. It was a secret love affair so I wasn’t allowed to show my grief. I had to pretend. I was afraid that if I said what we had going on, it would change people’s perception of me. He was my patient after all. My best friend knew. I had broke down and told her months before. She met him in the hospital one time. One of my brothers did, too. I was glad I was able to share him with them at the time.

Anyway, I almost went back that night, but I felt I needed to just go home and sleep. I was running on fumes. I had the best sleep that night. And, maybe his soul was already with me. I don’t know. I got a text Sunday morning from his sister that he was gone. He took his last breath as his hospice nurse was singing Amazing Grace shortly after midnight. He spent just shy of seven days on hospice. It was one of the most beautiful, yet heart wrenching experiences to go through with someone. And, this is another experience that I would learn later would help me in my career as a spiritual healer.

This man left a hole in me. He marked me for life. It definitely made me not want to ever open up again. I told myself I would never go through that again. That pain was too intense and debilitating. A part of my soul died with him. I felt crazy for thinking that, but unless you experienced something deep like that, you understand. A week after his death, I was referred to someone, a friend of a friend. My friend didn’t tell me what this person did exactly, but said "maybe she can give you guidance she helped me a lot," my friend said to me. I felt so lost. At that point, I wanted to take whatever I can get. She ended up being a psychic medium. I had always been fascinated and a bit skeptical, but open. I honestly didn’t know how much he truly loved me until this reading. I thought I was the stupid one for falling. She would confirm everything I felt for him and he felt for me. She said we were past life lovers, definite soulmates. Similar past life experience, too. He was a patient, but I was a nurse in this life. I later also experienced that past life in a past life regression session with someone else. It explained why I felt like I knew him, comfortable like never before. She also gave details only he and I knew. They were private moments, which validated she was real!

It brought me comfort to connect with him, but I wanted more. It made me mad that we didn’t get to meet sooner, under different circumstances. I had wished he would have came to me right after his accident, then I could have helped him more. All the what if scenarios played in my head. I was robbed. Again. I didn't know his death would have the impact it did on me. It stripped me of the person I was. I lost myself. My identity. I was a blank canvas. And, yet, another important lesson to learn: codependency.

For months after his death, I was seeing signs of him and feeling someone in my bed some nights. I had phenomena happening at home, for sure! I sometimes couldn‘t tell if I was dreaming or if it was really happening. I would smell his scent sometimes. I had a few dreams of him. Visitations. They made me happy, but then sad they ended so quickly. I cried every time I was alone, which was a lot! When people asked about him, I would cry. I started opening up to some friends about him. I would go out with friends, but I was an empty vessel. I faked that I was fine. I smiled, but you could see it in my eyes. The pain. I was numb. I hated my job. It reminded me of him and the pain was unbearable. I saw him everywhere. I would pray every day that I wouldn’t get patients assigned that were in “his rooms.” He had been in two for the longest time. Started in 109, then moved to 310. 310 became one of his number signs for me. Anyway, people looked at me differently. I felt their eyes and heard their whispers. They wanted to ask me about him, but didn’t know how. It’s hard pretending with all these people. I was very angry and lost. I was angry about how unfair life had been to me. How cruel it was to bring someone new into my life (after just telling myself I would be ok being single my whole life), make me fall in love, and then pull that rug right from under me. **Cue that Lewis Capaldi song Someone You Loved. #storyofmylife Or Sam Smith’s Not In That Way. #soundtracktomylife I have been such a great person and doing good, selfless things for people all the time and for what? What did I get? Life was so unfair. I was in a very, very dark place, needless to say. Depression was no stranger to me. Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend. I often missed him so bad that I fantasized death. Suicidal ideation as psychiatrists may say. I thought of so many ways of killing myself. Sometimes I would be driving to work and dreaming about running off the road into a massive tree or head on into oncoming traffic at high speed. I was praying for him to come and take me so I could be with him. Asshole never came! haha I can joke about it now. I didn’t care about living anymore though. I was like Kate Winslet’s character in The Holiday, but without the comedic effect. That first year after he died was rough.

It took me a while to get out of my darkness. I cried less and less as the months went on. And, I could talk about him and our story more as time went on without bursting into tears. I eventually told his sister about us. She reacted better than expected. 😊 We became best friends since that week he was on hospice. She knew her brother well and knew without a doubt how much her brother loved me. She knew he would have done anything for me. She also knew I could have been such a positive influence for him. Something he never had much of in his life. It was so nice hearing stories of him through her and she would share photos of him. So, anyway, I left that job (good riddance!) and decided to do travel therapy about a year after he passed away. That did me a lot of good. Helped me gain a lot of perspective and re-ground myself. It helped me discover myself. By the way, I drove cross country Florida to California alone! Yes, a female and alone! That was the most liberating moment ever! If you’ve never traveled alone, you should. Go to dinner alone, at a restaurant. Go to the movies alone too. Liberating. Another lesson for me to learn: Stop thinking or worrying about what everyone else thinks. Do your own thing despite what people will think or say. Free yourself! I went through an emotional rollercoaster on that road trip. But, it was all good! I let it out! It was therapeutic. I was leaving an old phase of my life behind. He wanted me to go adventure. He knew it was killing me being there with everything that surrounded me that reminded me of him.

This experience definitely scarred me and made me resistant to falling in love again for fear of the next one killing me. I mean I barely survived this one! I can’t go through another painful loss again.A thing about me, when I fall in love, I FALL IN LOVE! I love with everything I have. It takes a lot to make it in, but when you're in...I'm all in. But, I've learned that even through this painful experience, it had its positive lessons and I understand why I had to go through this now. It awoke my soul in ways I never thought possible. I discovered my spiritual gifts and abilities. I would have never known this part of me existed without his loss. It also gave me hope that someone could love me unconditionally and that soulmates do exist. I discovered that I didn’t want to go through life alone. That I did want someone that loved me with the same intensity if not more than he did and that I can have a family with. I also discovered my passion for working with traumatic brain injuries and other neurological conditions or injuries in my career. I dove into spirituality, with him, as one of my main spirit guides. I discovered he was keeping his promise of watching over me and making sure I was not alone forever. He’s been keeping me alive and on track. In one of my psychic medium readings, he said, ”I would have married her if I could have walked again, but this is the next best thing.“ The spiritual connection we have now is irreplaceable. We’ve learned to communicate with each other. No different from when he was alive. 😂 He’s a pro with signs and synchronicities! I can feel when he’s around. He surely makes it known! Pain in the ass sometimes. He still has his sense of humor! 😆 But, the most amazing synchronicity he did for me? He lead me to the path where I would align with my twin flame, what will be my third greatest love.🔥 ❤ 🔥

Twin flames is one of those controversial topics in the spiritual community. Some believe it and others don't. I didn't know what it was until a little over a year ago after my past life regression. It's a very profound connection. Different from a soulmate connection. I won't get into it too much. The twin flame journey is unique, and one of the greatest loves you'll know, but it's difficult to master. Not every one finds their twin flame counterpart in a lifetime. When they do, there's a lot of growth that needs to happen between you two when together. There's stages that occur when you meet your twin flame. You both have a life mission to complete together. Anyway, all the spiritual growth I’ve done in the last six years now, has aligned me to my destined path and twin flame. My buddy connected me with so many amazing people that have been very important and influential in my spiritual journey. In my self discovery and healing. I've changed and broke a lot of cycles in my life. Everything has been serendipitous. Serendipity was something I used to describe him. I actually wrote it on a dollar bill that I left up on a wall in a pub in his hometown when I was there. 😊Anyway, I won't say much more about who this third love is because that story is still unfolding. That'll be another blog post one day! haha With his permission, of course. 😏

Life is one hell of a ride, y'all! I never knew much about soulmates and twin flames and all that jazz until last year to be honest. Remember, I didn’t believe in these types of love stories, but, yet, here I am. In the middle of one. 😂 Jokes on me. 😂 I never knew that I could ever move on. That I could ever subject myself to that intense kind of love out of fear of losing it again. I’ve had way too much unrequited love in my lifetime. It’s a huge risk. But, as I learned more and more and understood spiritual awakening and the twin flame journey, I decided to do the work and heal. I decided that maybe I should trust the Divine. I won’t ever know what the outcome would be if I didn’t try. Great risks lead to great rewards. I healed my heart and have learned to open up again. I resonate so much with cats even though I was never much of a cat person. haha I respect them. They seem to love me. Always rub up against me and purr and do the little paw thing and lick me. But, anyway, with all the crap I've endured in my lifetime so far, I keep bouncing back. I land on my feet every time. I’m stronger and more confident than ever. I know my worth. I know what I deserve. I know what I want! A different person all around. I’m excited to see where this next phase in love takes me. This is it, though. My last love. I feel it. My forever one. The one I’ve waited for all my life. I never thought it would come. I’m nearly 40 now. I am glad that I never settled for less. I may have had my issues and all that, but I knew in my heart, my person that I’ve manifested was out there. I’ve waited patiently. I let go of all the familial and societal standards of what love, marriage and family should be or look like. We always feel that pressure of being married, having kids, buying a home by a certain age. Fuck all that noise. Follow your own path. Never settle for less. Focus on you. Be patient. Raise your vibration and that one will come into your life unexpectedly. A gift from the Universe.