Unrequited Love: Painful Lessons in Life

This meme sparked me into starting this dang blog. (I am not a professional writer by any means so don't judge me, ok?) This meme stirred up a lot of emotions and made me reflect on how far I've come. Love. Love is powerful. It can lift us up and make us soar high and it can bring us down in one fell swoop, can't it? I've always had so much love to give, but it wasn't always reciprocated. Then, I found one who finally reciprocated and, well, he was taken way too soon. A rug pulled from right underneath me. My heart is no stranger to pain. And, yet, I still have love to give. I'm more cautious, but I'm not closed off as I once was. I am hopeful that someone will give the same love I give out. But, this journey has not been easy to get to this place.

I’ve had a lifetime of unrequited love. A series of many unfortunate events. But, I also feel it’s not the first lifetime I’ve dealt with it either. I think I didn't learn some major lesson(s) in love in another lifetime and now I'm to correct it. I felt cursed. Like there was something wrong with me. I seem to repel men. But, maybe it was me who repelled them. 😁 I had many guy friends. I had more guy friends than girl friends. I grew up very tomboyish. Had brothers and many boy cousins I grew up with, so I just felt more comfortable around them. Easy to get along with. Besides, girls were always so caddy and dramatic. Ugh. But, I guess I was always "just one of the guys." My love life...or lack thereof, is pretty sad when I think about it. I honestly haven't had a true relationship and I'm 38 years old! It bothered me before, but I did some major healing over it all. I've done some major deep diving into my emotions and what has made me who I am. We have to be very vulnerable and honest with ourselves in order to truly get down to the root of the problem. To truly understand ourselves and our relationships.

I had very short relationships, if you can call them that. They were maybe a couple months long. I don't really remember much of them to be honest. They weren't too memorable. haha Most were just friends with benefits. Most I met in online chat rooms. That was the thing where and the time I grew up. Party lines and Yahoo or AOL chat rooms. Computers and internet were just becoming a thing. Dial-up internet, woo hoo! Remember that? Anyway, I always was attracted to the older men. I was a teen talking to 20 something year olds. I "went out" with a few. They were losers. Duds. Scrubs. I would get bored quick. No mental stimulation. Nor other stimulation as well. I would talk to guys because I wanted to “fit in.” Everyone else had boyfriends, so I should to. But, none truly were into me. They cheated. They lied. They used me. They acted immature. They ghosted me.

I’m not the kind of girl that has men lined up out the door. I settled back then. I tried to be something I wasn't. I always felt...different. I didn't relate to my peers. I guess an old soul feels that way, huh? I always felt older than I am. I now know why. Because I am. I have struggled with men noticing me or approaching me when I'm out and about. I'm not their type. Major reason. We live in such a superficial world. I’m unapproachable. I'm intimidating. I'm too intelligent. My RBF game is strong. I come on too strong. I speak my mind and am too blunt sometimes. Too honest. I’m more the "just one of the guys" type. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride (although I’ve never been either of those literally!) I fell for all the wrong ones. Like when, I ended up meeting someone who made me feel things I never experienced before. I found someone that reciprocated feelings. This one actually did care and love me back. But, we met under awful circumstances. He was in a hospital bed and despite that I fell for him. I began fantasizing a life with him. One with marriage and kids. That was a first for me. But, silly me, for believing I could have what i always desired. He wasn't getting better and died of complications that stemmed from his traumatic brain injury after an accident 2 years prior. He was bedridden for those 2 years. Over the years and many dissappointments later, I decided to stop believing in love. The fairytales of love. I closed my heart off. I locked my heart up and threw away the key. Fuck that shit!

I was scared of love. Not just from my own sad experiences, but those around me. All I was seeing around me was failed relationship after failed relationship. My parent's divorce affected me a lot. I was about 13 years old when I was told my dad was having an affair. All I knew about my parent's marriage was that they were happy and everything was going well. I never heard them argue or fight (not until after the affair was revealed.) So, yeah, daddy issues? Oh, yeah! Definitely. Check that box!

All these love lessons were difficult to face and admit truths to myself. To say them outloud was deafening. I was angry for a long time. I guess that's the stages of grief right? Denial first, then anger. Bargaining, depression, acceptance. I surely went through all that. We often think grief is only after losing someone to a literal death. But, its any loss in life. A loss of self, a part of yourself, a loss of a job, a relationship. I was letting go of an old me. I learned I had to learn these lessons: fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure, codependency issues, self worth issues, self esteem issues, lack of self love...to name a few. I put too much value in others' opinions. I sought validation. I wanted to fit in. But, no matter what I did, I would never fit in. I was so afraid of standing out. I hated having attention on me. I wanted to be the background noise, the wallflower. I dimmed my own self. I was smart though. I loved school. I excelled in school. As and Bs. Maybe it was my way to stay focused on something else. To make my parents' proud. Isn't that what we always seem to want to do? Make others proud of us and our accomplishments. I was always people pleasing. Conforming myself to the likes of others.

In this awakening I've been having in recent years, I've been able to see the reasons for the unrequited love lessons. Man, its super painful and sad, but I get it. I've learned to accept it and not be bitter and angry about it. I have learned to trust in the Universe. I've done the work on myself to level up and make myself a better person. To build my self esteem and my own worth and self love in order to attract the relationship I desire. We often find the relationships with people who mirror our own emotional baggage. They show us the ugly bits in us. If you don't love yourself and all your flaws, then that person will not love you and will bring out the worst aspects. I stopped doing things for other people and doing what I want and what will make ME happy. I let go of the people pleasing. I told myself "if they truly have unconditional love for me, then they will love me no matter what I choose. If they don't, then I don't need them in my life." Let go of people who don't "vibe" with you. Even if it’s family. We are ever evolving, so should the people around you. It's ok to change! Don't allow others to make you feel bad for doing so.

I know I have someone out there. Someone that will love me because I have grown to love myself. I will not settle for less than I deserve. Maybe that's why I've remained single for so long. I've not settled. I've held out that little string of hope that my person will come. The one I've manifested for many years. He's out there. Working on himself too. I feel it and know it. Do I still get fears and insecurities? Yes, of course. I'm human. But, I've learned how to recognize when I'm falling into these old habits and can change my mindset. Change your mindset, change your life!

Don't be afraid to do some self reflection and reevaluate your relationships in your life. Platonic or romantic ones. See the patterns. Self awareness is crucial to knowing your habits, behaviors, actions, thoughts, beliefs. Why do you do what you do? What makes you tick? What sets you off? Why? Ask yourself these things. Journal if you must. Seek professional help. Reach out to a trusted confidant and advisor. You will find better relationships if you do the work on yourself.

I've even had to learn forgiveness and you should, too. Acceptance and forgiveness. Very hard to do. Our pride gets in the way. I had to forgive all those that have wronged me, with or without an apology from them. Learn to accept things as they are, to not stress over situations or people that you can't change. This is where the serenity prayer helped me. We can only be responsible for ourselves. We all make our own choices in life. Have our own lives to live. Let go of the burdens you carry for others. Your own baggage is enough! Learn to forgive yourself too. I did that a lot. I forgave myself for mistreating my body, the excessive partying, the poor health choices, the self harming. I forgave myself for not loving who I was. For not putting my needs first. For allowing others to treat me like a.doormat. For not knowing my own worth. Forgiveness. Show yourself love, compassion and grace. It's hard to do. Trust me I know. And, it won't happen overnight. It takes practice. It takes discipline. It takes patience. It takes time. You deserve love. The kind you always wanted. Its out there. Work on yourself first. Always put you first. Greater love requires a greater self!