Mental Health Awareness -- My Story

This is depression. It lays within. Under the layers of kickass sense of humor, witty banter and sassy remarks, a cool and unique sense of style, and magnetic personality. So many among us walk this Earth and suffer from mental health disorders, some clinically diagnosed and others not. I figured I’d write a blog about this since I found out it’s Mental Health Awareness month (May). Maybe you’ll find this on the internet in another month, but it may be something you need to hear whenever you find this. You were spiritually guided to it. The Mental Health umbrella is large! Whatever mental diagnosis you're dealing with, you are not alone!

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in high school. I can’t remember the exact age, 14-16 years old. I remember though the exact moment I had one of the most debilitating depressive states that got me diagnosed. At that time, late 1990s, I wasn't aware of what depression really was. People always use that figure of speech right? "Oh, I'm depressed," when something isn't going right and you're bummed out. Anyway, as I was saying before, I was laying on the couch watching tv one afternoon. I was feeling down, very apathetic. My relationship with my dad was very…rocky…at the time. Little back story. My parents were divorced already. I, along with my younger siblings, struggled a little with the changes. My dad had moved 6 hours away for some time so we didn't see him as often. I had stopped going with my dad on “his weekends” at some point. The abandonment wounds were strong then. I was very angry. I was having a hard time accepting and understanding things with my child mind and didn’t know how to cope with my emotions in a healthy way at that age. I didn't grow up in an environment that spoke openly about emotional things. I learned to suffer in silence a lot. I turned to my music and shut the world away. I'll talk about the music again later and give some of my favs.

Back to my story, this one particular day, my dad had stopped by and I'm laying on the couch "watching" some show. I remember he was very nervous. He didn’t know what to say. I was very cold and short with my responses to him. I didn’t even sit up or look him in the eye when he was trying to talk to me. I stared at the tv as he spoke. He said, “I don’t know how to tell you this. But, I know I have to tell you. Your mom wanted me to tell you guys. I told her she could tell you, but she wanted me to be the one. [Insert name of his girlfriend (mistress to me at the time), now wife] and I are having a baby. She’s in the hospital now actually because he’s early. You have a baby brother.” I had yet to meet this woman at that time. Didn’t have any desire to. I remember having tears stream down as my eyes stayed fixed on the tv. I don't think I even blinked. I didn’t say a word. He apologized and he didn’t know what else to do. He left. I was in a zone. I felt my world shattered and my heart broke into a million tiny little pieces. For me, that was like the nail to the coffin and I truly felt the abandonment wound worsen and felt that I would never see my dad again because he would be too busy with his new family. Again, this is my teen self thinking and processing all of this.

I remember the next morning having a hard time getting up. It was harder and harder wanting to wake up in the morning. My mom always struggled waking me up in the morning, but some days I did not want to and did not want to go to school. I used to love school. It was the one thing I was good at! I was an As and Bs student, never had below a 3.0 in school. I would zone out at school. It was hard to focus. My mind would be racing so many thoughts at times. Negative thoughts. I remember starting to form thoughts of self hatred and not being good enough. You start thinking like "if I was a better child then maybe he would have kept his promise he made me and stayed." I wasn't thinking about the issues him and my mom were having. My mom never spoke to me about her issues, but then again, I get that she didn't want to tell us, kids, her adult things. I don't remember how soon after that day it was, but I awoke one morning and I could not get out of bed. Literally. My muscles hurt all over. My body felt very heavy. I could barely lift my arms and legs. I just remember saying "I'm trying, but I can't. It hurts!" I'm sure my mom probably thought I was full of crap. My mom sent to school sick all the time. She didn't have time for our nonsense. haha We had to be dying in bed for her to allow us to stay home from school or not even home, but with a babysitter. Perfect attendance was my certificate every year! Heeeeey! *snaps with sass* 😂 Anyway, my mom had to help me out of bed and to the car to take me to the doctor. I was limping and unable to walk without support of someone. It took days for me to get my body back. I felt like a zombie. I haven’t had one of those really debilitating depressive periods since then. I’ve had some bad and lengthy ones, but not physically painful or to where I can’t move. Thankfully for me. I empathize with you out there who get that really debilitating state of depression.

The photos I’ve posted of myself here were taken this week as I’ve been in the middle of one of my periods of depression. I am a functioning depressive person. Is there a word or official name for this type? I am not very knowledgeable on psych terminology. I am good at doing the day to day obligations. I always feel like I put on my face in front of others and then when I’m alone I go back to my emotional, apathetic self. Like, before I go into work, I'm like "ok, lets get this show going! smile on!" Sometimes I cry out of nowhere. I get angry at times. I feel hopeless. I struggle with self worth. I have suicidal ideation. When I was a teen, I did attempt to slit my wrist with a razor blade. I cut my wrist but not deep enough or big enough. I got scared and cried. I have never tried again. But, the thoughts do still cross my mind.

As a teen, my mom tried getting me to see a psychiatrist to help me. I cried and pleaded for her to not make me go. I was afraid of what people would say or think. The stigma of it was strong then. It’s not what it is nowadays. But, in my cultural background seeking help and talking about emotional issues is seen as weakness and only “for the crazy ones.” I often wonder what it would have been like for me if I had gone to therapy at that time, I didn’t know or understand my spiritual abilities then either. That contributed a lot to my depression, too. My empathetic self picked up a lot of emotional pain around me especially my mom's. I guess a therapist could have helped me deal with my emotions in a healthier way. It could have helped my mom communicate better with me, too. My family lacks open communication especially when it comes to emotions. I wasn't raised in a very affectionate environment. But, it's generations that this has occurred in my family. Generational trauma. I've learned now that vulnerability is strength. Would therapy have shortened or facilitated my suffering? I don't know. Maybe.

Doing this alone was difficult. I have some amazing spirit guides because I don't know how I'm still here and with a decent career and good life compared to others. I am truly blessed. It hasn't been easy for me though. I could have easily gone the route to being an addict, an alcoholic. Thrown all my potential away. It's so easy to do when you're in that dark frame of mind. Sometimes the noise in my head gets so bad that I've developed this fantasy in my head. You want to know what my fantasy is when I get so overwhelmed with life? I fantasize being locked away in a white padded room at an asylum somewhere being kept in a sedated state and just sleep. Some place where I don't have worries of the day to day struggles. Where I don't have to remember the mounting number of bills and lack of funds. Where I don't have to worry about the rest of the world. Where I don't have to work to survive. I just want to avoid everything. It just sounds so peaceful and heavenly. But, as a teen, I found the next best thing - alcohol and weed.

I was a teen and, of course, drinking and drugs is like the "cool" thing. It's almost like a right of passage or something. But, I did it to numb the pain. To avoid the pain. The emotions. The voices. I would get so high and drunk sometimes that I would eventually pass out. I don't know how I drove like that and never killed anyone or myself on the road. I am truly thankful. Again, I have the best spirit guides with me! Phew. 😮‍💨 I never understood how I used alcohol to drown my emotions. Weed I started smoking later, like 17-18 years old. In college, I was drinking a lot more. Partying a lot. Paying people to buy us alcohol. I guess I was self medicating. I've learned now how drugs and alcohol are unhealthy coping mechanisms to some deep rooted trauma or wounds from the past. We hide some hurt, insecurities, fears, etc. I told myself I was just having a good time with friends, it's what we do. It's fun! It's the weekend! But, now I know better. It didn't help my depression. It fueled the negativity if anything. I don't do weed as much as I would love to now. We get random drug tests at my job. I've been chosen before already and I have a feeling that my guides would make it happen again if I tried smoking again as a reprimand for my behavior. 😆 I stopped drinking alcohol a few years ago. I'll drink every once in a while. Socially. Not like before. My body doesn't tolerate it like it once did. Depression and alcohol just don't mix. Plus, with my spiritual gifts and hypersensitivity, I like to keep a clear mind and higher vibration.

A psychiatrist might have prescribed me some anti-depressants to help me if I had gone that route. I am not sure that psych meds (medicine) would have helped me or made things worse for me. Because of my spiritual abilities, I think it may have interfered with that. So many gifted children and adults are misdiagnosed with a mental illness and given drugs that they don't necessarily need. It's hard finding a psychiatrist or psychologist that specializes not only in mental illness, but with those with spiritual gifts. I didn't really know that was a thing until I watched psychic medium Chip Coffey on his show Psychic Kids. I really loved that series and wish they had more seasons. I wish I had this show when I was younger. I resonated so much to those kids on the show. I never had anyone to guide me with my gifts or to tell me that I even had them. I think that would have helped me a lot too. The spiritual and emotional go hand in hand.

Being the healer I am and having the mediumship abilities I do, I have navigated through my emotions and depression as best that I can on my own. I just followed where I was being guided. I would "run" into people, or news, or ads or whatever was sent to me of what I needed to know or do. Some days were hard in the past. Of course, I had the usual teen angst and hormonal emotions going on at that time. My thoughts just would spiral out of control. Still do just in a different way than when I was younger. Negative thoughts run rampant. Feelings of hopelessness and failure consume me when I'm depressed. As I've aged and as I've grown into my spiritual gifts, I've noticed that my depression periods have been less frequent than before and in shorter duration. I've been working on healing myself and my own triggers. I still have work to do when it comes to relationships. Trust and fear of loss/abandonment are huge for me. I've had so many lessons of loss and has lead me to not trust.

Opening up to this spiritual aspect of myself in the last like 10 years or so has really challenged me, yet has helped me gain a little more control of my mind or maybe seemingly so. I used to feel like I just had no control before. No matter how much I tried to be more optimistic, I just couldn't. It's hard to even explain. A lot of my depression periods are kind of a blur. Like, I remember some, but not all. I remember friends asking me if I was ok when I would be out with them. Everyone laughing and having a great time and I'm void of emotions. Numb. Sitting there. Very zombie-like. They would say smile, but I would do one of those smiles (much like now) where it doesn't quite reach the eyes like I normally laugh and smile. It's funny because friends always correlate me with the sun and having a sunny disposition and that I bring them happiness and whatnot. But, inside I don't feel that. Some times I wonder if maybe I have bipolar disorder because my emotions run high at times then low. But, I think it may be more spiritual related there than emotional.

Music was and always will be my goto in any state of mind I may be in. It makes me feel not alone. My feelings are shared with someone else out there. I have many playlists depending on my mood. I will disclose some of my all time favorites on my depression mix.

1.) Fix You - Coldplay

2.) Gravity - John Mayer

3.) Footprints - Sia

4.) All I Ask - Adele

5.) All I Want - Kodaline

6.) Broken - Lifehouse

7.) Storm - Lifehouse

8.) Come To This - Natalie Taylor

9.) Let It Be Me - Ray Lamontagne

10.) These Times - Safetysuit

11.) Not in That Way - Sam Smith

12.) Your Winter - Sister Hazel

13.) Uneven Odds - Sleeping At Last

14.) Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

15.) Ode To My Family - The Cranberries

16.) Epiphany - Staind

17.) Please Forgive Me - William Fitzsimmons

18.) Whiskey and You - Chris Stapleton

19.) One More Light - LINKIN Park

20.) Roman Sky - Avenged Sevenfold

21.) Lost Without You - Freya Ridings

22.) You Say - Lauren Daigle

23.) Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

24.) God Only Knows - Michael Buble cover

25.) Hold My Heart - Tenth Avenue North

26.) Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne

27.) Who You Are - Jessie J

28.) When the Darkness Comes - Colbie Caillet

29.) The Sound of Silence - Disturbed

30.) Watch Over You - Alter Bridge

31.) Save Me - Avenged Sevenfold

32.) Buried Alive - Avenged Sevenfold

33.) I Still Make Her Cry - The Strumbellas

34.) The Darkness of My Mind - Trivium

35.) Leave Out All the Rest - LINKIN Park

36.) Ghost (acoustic) - Badflower

37.) Wicked Game - Three Days Grace or Stone Sour covers

38.) Me Against Myself - Wage War

39.) In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge

40.) Dreamstate - Dayseeker

I am sharing this, not to gain sympathy, but in hopes that it may help someone else in their darkness. Maybe it'll spark inspiration to speak about your own struggles. It takes a lot of work and discipline to gain control of the mind, but at the same time, with mental illness, you can't help what's going on. People that know me would never guess that I was depressed. We need to be more kind to others even when they lash out or piof things, but it's not facts. Don't judge a book by its cover. Ever! May you all have the strength and courage to overcome whatever you are batss you off because we don't know what demons they are truly fighting underneath. We don't see every minute of every one's day. We assume a lot tling on a daily basis.